the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize