I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
