I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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