And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
