He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
