somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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