I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
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I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
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We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
These tits shall not be calmed
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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