I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
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i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize