I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
