First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
