i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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