We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
