Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
