I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
