You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
