The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
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Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
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Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".