I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.