Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.