Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.