he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
