There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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