I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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