Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
