I just pynch a tree in the face
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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