things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
