It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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