I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
