Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
