How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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