he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
