the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
