we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
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