I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
