I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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