I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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