Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
