You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
