fuck your aforementioned shoe
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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