Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
