Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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