the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
last night I used snow as a chaser
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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