dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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