At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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