I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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