These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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