Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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