the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
