my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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