I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
