I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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