What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
