Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
