theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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