she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
