so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
