Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
